For many years, I was ashamed of my past burdens and hardships, under the belief that somehow, they made me lesser of a person and unworthy of happiness and personal fulfillment. I hid my history from others, afraid of harsh judgment and rejection for what I had been through – for what I had seen and experienced. In hiding my struggles, I could not really see myself or appreciate who I was and just how much I was worth as decades of my life were unspeakable to others, a stowed away, half-existence that not even I could love.
Growing up in a home with alcohol and abuse had a lasting impact and left me in survival mode. You never knew what mood the alcoholic was in and what could cause a blow up at that moment. It left you always feeling different, isolated and alone. As you mature into adulthood, you tend to repeat this pattern/cycle and use the coping mechanisms that were acquired as a child in your relationships as an adult and tend to choose people with those same behaviors as that is all you knew. That is your sense of normalcy.
My path to correcting the cards that were dealt to me and becoming intentional and in control of my decisions and own happiness was not without hiccups or mistakes. A few years after a costly divorce and loss of home with my first husband, I entered a six-month marriage with another abusive alcoholic who attempted to get me fired from a position I was newly employed at and literally locked me out of our home and possessions. After that marriage, I stepped back once again, re-evaluated my decision-making process and tendency towards cyclical relationships, picked up the shattered pieces once more, and began putting them back together again much more quickly than the first time.
After years of personal development, counseling, re-evaluation after re-evaluation, and many glimmers of happiness that proved I was on the right path for the pursuit of happiness, I am no longer ashamed of my past and proudly wear my battle scars. I do not reject where I came from or who I am today because, I, for the first time, feel fulfilled, able, worthy, and positioned for more.
My personal story and it's details coming soon....
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